Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Life and Death

i'm here at school and the printers are not working....i have a few minutes before class and a mind provoking topic, so it was a perfect moment to update the blog.

last night i have this weird feeling...like i was going to die. my body was hurting so much that i thought i may have something like MS or some sort of whole body cancer. Thinking about this really scared me. How would it feel to hear that you may only have a few days to live? After looking up MS symptoms...I'm sure I don't have that so I feel much better today. But last night I was so scared that I just started crying.

I also had this weird feeling when I went to an amusement park this summer. I went back home in August and me cousins and I decided to go to an amusement park. I lovee rides, but this time I was quite scared of something unusual happening. I'm usually the one that forces others to get on roller coasters...but this time it was realyl hard to get myself to go on it.

This is pretty odd for me because there have been days in the past where I would go to sleep and hope that I died and won't have to wake up the next day. Before getting married, I've had many nights that I'd go to bed when so much physical pain and heartache that I just didn't want to live another day.

Last night, I was scared to die. I feel like theres's not much to live for these days so I thought it would be easier to think about death. It's not. The reason I was so scared was because I wasn't ready to leave my husband yet. I think my purpose in life may no be extraordinary, but just to care and be with my husband. I was truly scared because I didn't want to leave him alone in this world. And selfishly, I didn't want to see him start another life that has potential for prefection without me. I know this is morbid to think, but thinking about it gave me a spark. I feel like I do have something to live for. I didn't just move here to make my life so difficult. I'm really here because I love my husband and really really really want to be with him and hopefully for 60+ years!

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