Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Life and Death

i'm here at school and the printers are not working....i have a few minutes before class and a mind provoking topic, so it was a perfect moment to update the blog.

last night i have this weird feeling...like i was going to die. my body was hurting so much that i thought i may have something like MS or some sort of whole body cancer. Thinking about this really scared me. How would it feel to hear that you may only have a few days to live? After looking up MS symptoms...I'm sure I don't have that so I feel much better today. But last night I was so scared that I just started crying.

I also had this weird feeling when I went to an amusement park this summer. I went back home in August and me cousins and I decided to go to an amusement park. I lovee rides, but this time I was quite scared of something unusual happening. I'm usually the one that forces others to get on roller coasters...but this time it was realyl hard to get myself to go on it.

This is pretty odd for me because there have been days in the past where I would go to sleep and hope that I died and won't have to wake up the next day. Before getting married, I've had many nights that I'd go to bed when so much physical pain and heartache that I just didn't want to live another day.

Last night, I was scared to die. I feel like theres's not much to live for these days so I thought it would be easier to think about death. It's not. The reason I was so scared was because I wasn't ready to leave my husband yet. I think my purpose in life may no be extraordinary, but just to care and be with my husband. I was truly scared because I didn't want to leave him alone in this world. And selfishly, I didn't want to see him start another life that has potential for prefection without me. I know this is morbid to think, but thinking about it gave me a spark. I feel like I do have something to live for. I didn't just move here to make my life so difficult. I'm really here because I love my husband and really really really want to be with him and hopefully for 60+ years!

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I wanted to write this post a couple days ago. I always have stuff on my mind that is time sensitive but forget to actually write it in the blog! As we all know the Midterm elections were this week. This is not another post on how the House is divided and if our country will make it another two years. This is a post about how you feel as an immigrant during voting season.

Recently it seems as though everything I do is so similar to how my parents are. Everything I am trying to work through in Canada reminds me of what my parents must have felt when they came to the US. I remember when we were little and had dinner parties with all the other indian families, the uncles would sit around and talk about Indian politics. I never knew why they would be so involved in indian politics. First of all it was really complicated. Secondly, and most importantly, they don't live there anymore so why do they care so much? To me politics was something you worried about when you lived in that area. Isn't it in my best interest to be informed on who my mayor, senator, congressmen are in my city? How they directly affect me?

I guess its more complicated than that. This year when everyone was voting in the US, i felt left out, but at the same time i was so interested. I read all the articles, watch the polls at the end of the day. But why? I don't llive there anymore and it doesn't effect me at all. I think for me it was more a feeling of pride, a feeling of belonging. I still feel like I am an American and regardless of where I live I want America to prosper. I want it to look good amongst the other countries. I want people to elect the right guys because the American government still affects my parents and my sister and all my friends and family still in America.

You know I think that's what it means to be a citizen. To be proud of your country regardless of where you are or what situation the country is in. That is your country and you want to show it off.

I guess those uncles at the indian parties are still indian inside and still care how their families/parents/siblings are living back home.