Focus/Woozah?

I can't focusss. I can't focus when things are like this. I need to talk to u for my days to go well. I hate who I've become. When did I become so cold. I hate who u've become. When will it ever get better? There are so many good things going on in life. I feel awful. Everything hurts. not physically... just...drained and damaged like. Remember how it felt to be on cloud 9? I don't know if I'm ready to be an adult. but I though with you by my side I could learn, I could transform, I could become. But now i'm lonely, and bitter, and mean. I'm never mean. This is too new and I hate being this way.
Things I need to work on:
Smiling at people
Realizing that other people did not do anything to you
Stop yelling at people

lost 10

i had a doctors appointment today. its so strange being a patient when i'm so used to be on the other side. the whole doctor's visit is so awkward as a patient. i truly believe in preventive care, yearly check ups but actually getting it done is such a drag. my favorite doctor is the eye doctor. its so easy.

everyone hates the weighing machine. some of our patients at my clinic demand that we do not check their weight. when we guide them to the weighing machine, they walk the other way. i had to check my weight today and...

i lost 10 lbs.

without really trying! i was so impressed. the nurse kept asking me questions, but i couldn't even answer cuz i was so into the weighing machine and then the number finally flashed. 10 lbs lost from last time. whoa

i feel so accomplished! if only i could do that two more times and lose about 20 lbs, i'll be at the weight that i want to be for life.

take 5

its been a hard couple of weeks. the starting of the semester (and the ending) is always so difficult. it takes a toll on your body and exhausts your mind. and if you have anything on top of that, you are completely brain dead.

this has been the last two weeks for me. although schoolwise this semester looks great, i have so much going on. i only have two classes i actually have to attend which is fantastic compared to the 5 days a week i was doing during spring semester. unfortunately, i havent been so environmentally friendly as before and have been driving everyday. but driving saves me a lot of time. and time seems so precious right now.

i have one day that i need to go work on my internship. i dunno how that is going to sprawl out. how will i remember everything from my past classes? im just shadowing this week so i hope i get a better idea.

i have one online class which is a little overwhelming. we are working as a group but the work is just hard.

then i have personal life which drives me nuts. everyone wants to know which color im choosing. which veil i want and which shoes look best. everyone wants to know if i want 6 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls. or eight and 4.

what i've realized through all of this is...the ceremony and the flowers, the clothes, and the jewelry just doesnt matter when 'it's' not there. when you have disconnected from me and i, you, none of this matter. i just want it to pass so that you and i can be we already. so that we dont have this barrier and we dont spend all our time driving each other crazy wondering if it will work. it has worked so far, 5 years as much, and i trust you so much. please allow yourself to trust too.

overall these last two weeks have been quite eventful but at the same time so not eventful. i have been gracious to hear two great secrets, buy one pair of lovely wedding shoes, pick up a beautiful dress, read a good book, and mingle and meet with new friends.

Priorities Part 1

have u read Like water for Chocolate before? Its a beautiful book about cooking and love. My two favorite things in life. Its about a woman's battles with her family and finding love and she pours her emotions into her recipes. Depending on her mood, the food comes out differently, more tasty or sometimes sickening.

I felt like her today. i read the book in high school and i dont even remember the main character's name, but the concept of the book will stay by me forever.

I look at cooking as such a therapeutic session. It calms me down when im frustrated and makes me focus when i'm stressed.

Today someone told me i need to get my priorities straight. How it hurts to hear the truth, and how hard it is to accept it. I've known this fact for so long since the second year of college. I need to get my priorities straight. Why is it that even though i've known this for so long, all i've done is added more priorities to the list instead of ranking the first few?

If i have my priorities set right i could do so much better in life. I would get better grades. I would be healthier. I would be able to read more and do things that i truly enjoy.

Last month I tried a 31 day boot camp and as this month starts, should I attempt to figure out my priorities?


my list:

• school
• work (which i'm quitting soon)
• working at the store
• church
• kerala assoc
• friends
• love
• reading
• exercise
• yoga
  
• cooking

Things i'll be adding to the mix pretty soon:

• internship
• wedding planning
• graduation

I need to make my love one of my priorities. He seems to be the one thing that i can push to the end of the list every time. Because in my mind he is still a chatbox on my computer. I need to understand that he is my fiance. FIANCE.

I need to exercise and I need to do good in school. I am going to do less church stuff and more spiritual growing.

So while contemplating all of this, I made a family favorite: meatballs in cream of mushroom
This recipe takes so much work, mixing ground beef with ginger, garlic, green peppers. Molding them into huge meatballs, dipping them in egg white wash and then flour. Frying it and then finally baking it with cream of mushroom soup. so many steps but it is delicious.

I just hope all my anger and frustrated emotions didn't ruin the taste this time.

What if?

I had ice cream with one of my bestest friends every the other night and our main topic of conversation were what ifs? we are both at a very similar stage of our lives, mine moving faster than her's but both dealing with the same excitement, anxiety, and doubts. as we doubt our new decisions our conversation fell into many what ifs. lately, thinking about these has made me feel more sure about getting married. i'm such a huge believer in destiny and i don't believe in these what ifs because God has already decided which path i am to take.

what if i was never in that chat room that morning?
what if we forgot each other when we stopped talking during christmas break?
what if W never gave up on us? would i be staying in the US? in the orthodox faith?
what if i stayed in the US, would I have become a PA? would i have become a medical student, maybe ending up somewhere in the caribbeans? what if i had really studied in school?

if you think like this you may go crazy. you can extend it into anything. my parents met each other through my mom's brother. my dad and my uncle were living in north india when my uncle proposed my dad marries my mom.

what if my uncle never went to north india? only half of me would come to america.
which half would it be? my big eyes would stay in india with my dad, my small nose would come along. if my parents weren't together, i would have never met my sister.

my friend kept questioning what if we continued dating the same people from high school. what if she didn't go away for school. she wouldn't have become this amazing woman she is now. she wouldn't have the career that she has wanted all her life.

and finally, what if these people we are engaged to are not "the ones"? how can we really be sure? i believe you grow into loving people. sometimes they don't have to be the one. there may be many.

but the more i think about this the more sure i am.
i was suppose to be in that chat room that day.
i was suppose to meet a boy from canada.
he was suppose to be my best friend.
he was suppose to make such an impact on me that we continued to talk for years.

somehow we were destined to meet each other, be with each other, love each other. even though we are different i'm a little different from everyone, even though we grew up in different places you can't compare colorado indians to other places, and even though we have only met a few times: sometimes you just know its right.

Apparently i can blog from text messages now...Will this keep me blogging more often? I hope so.

St. Patty's Day Dinner

I'm so sorry again, I've been so busy and unmotivated to blog for a while. Firstly i had lost my camera memory card. But I found another one, and I will beg for forgiveness by giving you an amazing dinner idea. I've given up meat for Lent so vegetarian meals are a must at my house, but I've been craving salmon so i had to run to the grocery store today after work and make some. conveniently my class was cancelled so i had tons of time to get stuff done-unfortunately, this recipe was stuck in my head and i could not concentrate on anything other than getting the recipe onto a plate! this is inspired by macaroni grill's and TGIF's salmon.

1/2 lb salmon (for two servings)
2 tblspoon soy sauce
1 tblspoon worchestaire sauce
2 tblspoon Eating Right Poppy Seed and Caramelized Onion Low Fat Salad Dressing (whatevs, use something that is sweet-honey, thousand island, honey mustard)

1. clean fish and marinate in mixture of sauces (i love condiments)
2. leave for 30 mins
3. heat fry pan with a little bit of oil (put aside the remaining marinade for topping)
4. fry/cook fish on one side for a good 7 mins
5. flip fish over and cook again for 5 more mins (make sure u cook for 7 mins at first, dont get anxious or else it will crumble ie. refer to figure 1)

Orzo Pasta with Spinach
1/2 onion diced
8 0z frozen spinach
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 can of cream of asparagus (or use a buillion chicken cube, or stock or something-i just had leftover soup)
1.5 cup orzo
salt
water
oil

1. saute onions in oil until light light brown
2. add spinach, cook together till kinda creamy (4-5 mins)
3. add chili powder and soup, create a really smooth cream (if using stock-mix in chili first... then add the stock with the orzo)
4. add orzo and 2 cups water
5. add some salt to taste and bring to boil
6. simmer covered until water evaporates

Walnut Topping
1.cut up a handful of walnuts
2. place remaining marinade in the fry pan u used for the fish and simma down
3. add 1 teaspoon butter and 1 tblspoon brown suga
4. add the walnuts
5. make a thick sauce

serve like the picture! serves two.. and u will have extra orzo for later. it was delish!!!